As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
