drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
