I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
