I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
