sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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