remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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