At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
