I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
