break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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