I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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