the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
