No awkward lesbian experiences without me
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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