So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
