if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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