First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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