I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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