This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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