I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
