Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You left your phone here
Wait...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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