omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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