Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
