his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
