omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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