That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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