So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
