Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
