I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
