My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
