There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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