Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
