Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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