I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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