It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
