My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
her vagine was all disorganized.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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