Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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