I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
