I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
