Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
