Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
