dude i'm inner monologue high
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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