Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
