I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
