Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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