hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
