i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
