Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
