Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
