ADVERTISEMENT

• (407): View more from Florida

  I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth

  Fav 14 2404 957

  share tweet
  

• (314): View more from Missouri

  Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

  Fav 74 1740 6668

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (805): View more from California

  do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?

  Fav 10 2791 1333

  share tweet
  

• (847): View more from Illinois

  I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days

  Fav 52 1336 4039

  share tweet
  

• (+44): View more from England

  You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.

  Fav 34 6321 1755

  share tweet
  

• (330): View more from Ohio

  I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.

  Fav 61 5294 1458

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (253): View more from Washington

  We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

  Fav 42 4151 1021

  share tweet
  

• (205): View more from Alabama

  I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.

  Fav 8 1442 642

  share tweet
  

• (662): View more from Mississippi

  He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.

  Fav 5 1410 550

  share tweet
  

• (415): View more from California

  I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...

  Fav 11 559 786

  share tweet
  

• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips

  Fav 2 923 571

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (585): View more from New York

  It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.

  Fav 1 235 506

  share tweet
  

• (256): View more from Alabama

  Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.

  Fav 0 304 116

  share tweet
  

• (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's official, I'm not staying in tonight

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  What caused that decision?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You only live once

  Fav 0 23 31

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (415): View more from California

  Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.

  Fav 0 96 11

  share tweet
  

Randomize