Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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