Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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